Reflections on life – part one: I’m tired of the mask…am I beyond it all?

The following is part one of a three-part blog taken as an extract from some of my personal journal (with some discretionary editing) written in April this year. 

Before you read on, ask yourself, what are the question/s that if I give them space delve into the deeper part of who I am? Some of the questions over this 3-part series reflect some of the questions I found myself asking…

I’m tired of the mask…am I beyond it all?

I found myself sitting at a conference, one of over 400 attendees. Some were there voluntarily, choosing to pay money, others of us were there because it was part of our job. All were there because in some small or large way we see that the world is stuffed and want to contribute in a meaningful way to making it a better place.

As I sat in my cocoon, alone with my thoughts, as I allowed the words, movement and interactions of those around me to dance about me like a child freely and without a care in the world I realized something profound; something that has been crystalising in my heart, in my head and in my choices over the past few months.

I’m tired.

  • I’m tired of being the one who gets up to encourage others…yet find myself discouraged; and whilst I look for encouragement from those above and about me, I get little to none in return;
  • I’m tired of being someone who gets up to challenge and stimulate others…yet find myself lacking stimulation that motivates me to keep at it;
  • I thrive on a challenge, I rise to a challenge – it’s one of the things I love about coaching basketball…every sense, skill, thought and attention focused in the moment looking for a way forward, to get the best out of individuals and of those who make up the team, yet I realise part of my tiredness is a lost sense of team and of personal challenge;
  • I’m tired of being someone who gets up to inspire…yet find myself repeatedly uninspired;
  • I’m tired of others assuming their priorities should be my priorities and that their urgencies must be mine…

I hope that in sharing some of my vulnerability around the values and priorities I’ve been grappling with that you, as a reader, may find space to reflect, to question, or perhaps even to find some solace or support.

Understanding the things that energise, enthuse and encourage us is key to maintaining intrinsic motivation and connectedness with our own sense of meaning and fulfilment in life. To draw on ancient wisdom from Socrates:

“An unexamined life is not worth living.”

When and how do you go about examining your life, your values and your own sense of meaning?

3 thoughts on “Reflections on life – part one: I’m tired of the mask…am I beyond it all?

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