Reflections on life – Part Two: what lies beneath the surface and behind the mask?

What lies beneath the surface and behind the mask?

fake smiles but not feelings

Life is always about tensions and only others who have had similar roles perhaps truly understand the challenge and tension of being a speaker. I quote a friend of mine who succinctly described this with me one day:

“it seems that although you have constant face to face (which you are brilliant at) you lack side to side colleagues, and cos you are so comfortable and competent at the upfront stuff, people don’t realise how isolating it can feel, you plant seeds along every road, but you don’t get back along the same roads again to see whats grown”

For over 10 years I worked as a travelling speaker and had some fabulous highlights and incredibly meaningful moments. The truth is that in life we need others to share in those moments to make life truly meaningful.

For those linking this theme for the first time, you may like to check out the lead-up blogs: Precursor and Part One

Before you read on, ask yourself, what are the question/s that if I give them space delve into the deeper part of who I am? Some of the questions over this 3-part series reflect some of the questions I found myself asking.

The following is part two of a three-part blog taken as an extract from some of my personal journal (with some discretionary editing) written in April this year. 

  • I’m tired of facing up to speak to random groups of strangers (with the odd friend and colleague in the mix) and feel like I don’t fit, that I’m not welcome and were I not there in some professional capacity I wouldn’t be there at all;
  • I’m tired of constantly nurturing the nuance of “oh, you’re a post-married person” and feeling the unspoken view of judgement and shame;
  • I’m tired of masking and massaging expectations whilst covering my own disappointment about the lack of competence, care or cohesion of others;
  • I’m tired of feeling like I constantly have to prove my value and worth…when matters like faithfulness and perseverance seem to be discarded and disregarded;
  • I lament that I talk about preaching good news to the poor…yet wrestle within my own sense of economic poverty;
  • I lament that I talk about giving sight to the blind…yet wrestle within my own sense of not being able to see; and wishing others would seek to see me, for me…not for what I do, or what I bring, but for me;

What about for you?

What are the things you wish people would see in you?

Are you willing and able to identify those and perhaps even take a risk and share with someone you trust?

Where do you turn when you feel disconnected, dislocated or perhaps even have a deeper sense of despair about where you find yourself in life – whether that be your work, family, friends or close relationships?

Are you listening to the inner voice that nags and prompts you to see yourself, your circumstances or perhaps others from a different point of view?

Please note for any concerned that in sharing some aspects of my vulnerable inner world that the specifics of what’s disclosed is by no means the summation of how I view (or viewed) life and should instead be understood knowing that outside of my internal wrestle life was good – in fact my personal & parenting life was great.

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