Part three of three – The mask of silence…
Some silences speak so loudly that silent shouting
pierces personal perspective and paradigms.
(for those reading this for the first time you may like to read the precursor, part one and part two…and for those seeking to balance perspective of how circumstances can change ones drive you can check out “I have a problem”
- I lament that I talk about setting the captives free…yet wrestle within my own sense of captivity; recognizing that my marital status (as a divorcee) continues to be problematic, in some unavoidable quarters…and I find myself losing my own sense of freedom the longer and deeper I am drawn into a world in which I feel further disconnected and disengaged from;
- I lament that I talk about addressing injustice…yet find myself a recipient of unjust processes;
- I lament that I talk about people finding their voice for the voiceless…yet increasingly feel my own voice is not heard; and I’m tired of always being the one who keeps banging the drum, standing on my soapbox (as I’ve had it described) and knowing I’m only giving myself a headache;
- I’m tired of people with small minds, small hearts and small visions negatively influencing my own sense of optimism, hope and joy;
- I’m tired of people who are more concerned with legalism and being right than they are about outcome and the importance of building relationship;
- I’m tired of airing concerns with those above me, but finding they fall on deaf ears, and realizing (once again) that if I don’t look after myself, no-one else will…and I lament (once again) that within a Christian agency, staff are far too frequently viewed as a commodity;
- “Never worry about what I’m doing. Only worry about why you’re worried about what I’m doing.”…how true, how apt…I’m tired of worrying about others worrying, like seriously, don’t you have more important things to do?
- I’m tired of seeking God, and not finding…I’m tired of putting on the mask to present and represent and finding myself tired, bored, disconnected; grappling with my own authenticity and integrity as a speaker who’s lost confidence in those around him, and dare I admit it, perhaps even in the God I believe in…[note significant edit at this point]
- I cannot work like that. I will not work like that.
- And so before I become completely calloused about the injustice and inconsistencies, the ineptitude and fallacy of valuing staff [note significant edit at this point]
- I do not feel valued, feel supported, feel stimulated, feel empowered, feel resourced; and so I’m wondering if before I burnout, I need to bail out…
In hindsight I find it ironic what I wrote in April, something that had crystallised over many months of prayerful and robust reflection. When I finished after 4.5 yrs in a public role I didn’t get a single thanks, farewell, zero recognition or expression of appreciation from those I worked for…thankfully quite a different story indeed from those I worked with…
Reward and recognition is a strange thing. I’ve always found that mowing lawns is a simple example of something that provides an instant reward-for-performance; for me it’s the sense of accomplishment, it’s evidence of effort and the appearance of completion (at least for a week in an Australian Spring)…but to walk away from 4.5 yrs with nothing, no card, no call, no text or email – just silence, that hurt.
Some silences speak so loudly that silent shouting pierces personal perspective and paradigms, and so yes it reflected profoundly the issues I’d personally grappled with but came to a conclusive silent sigh, calming my spirit to know I gave all I could…but not so much that I lost my soul.