Today I said no.
Today I withdrew.
Today I acted selfishly.
Perspective is an interesting thing. You might be reading those opening sentences and have major concerns. Perhaps you’d be right? But what’s the context for making the above statements and declarations?
Tomorrow I was booked in to deliver a 3.5hr training session on organizational change and the value of appreciative inquiry & strengths based positive psychology. It’s an awesome topic and I was looking forward to delivering it. I’m a capable and engaging trainer. The audience were a group of national leaders for a health organization. I love working with leaders.
Today I recognized I simply could not. Today I understood I don’t have the capacity to be fully present and professionally engaged for that extended time.
This month is Mental Health Month. As a mental health practitioner I’m a huge advocate for self-care and prioritizing personal mental health and wellbeing. Today I said no. Today I tended to my own self care. Today I withdrew from an obligation, and a lucrative one at that!
Context is everything. It’s not that I’m not coping with lockdown. It’s not that I’m not coping with my counselling caseload or with the complex range of issues and support I provide my clients.
TRIGGER WARNING
The context is my 14yo has been struggling recently. The impact on our family has been intense. The toll on me personally…the weight has been immense! Without disclosing details regarding the myriad truckload of historical contributing factors; suffice to say they resulted in a perfect storm over the past 2 months.
The facts are that she has made two fairly violent suicide attempts in the past 6 weeks; all whilst drunk. On respective occasions she blew BAL 0.186 and 0.09 respectively. She’s 14. She weighs about 50kg. She’s fucking 14!
During this timeframe we’ve had multiple volatile explosions, all abusive, all aggressive, including an evening where she physically shoved her mum multiple times and physically assaulted me. I’m 6’0. I weigh…too much. She didn’t hurt me physically. She’s changed our household forever.
Having to restrain, and disarm and restrain anyone is a job for police. Not for a parent. Definitely not something I signed up for as a step-parent! Yet this has been my reality.
Anyone who has ever been on suicide watch will understand how exhausting it is. Locking knives away in a tool box isn’t the way we’d like to be living.
Deadbolting the house to keep people inside isn’t what deadlocks were designed for! Using them in this way for nearly 2 weeks was our only way of trying to find a nights’ sleep. The deadbolts were our mental health!
When faced with these situations there’s a sense in which the breathing is always shallow, the heart is always bleeding, the ears always hearing and the nervous system always on. It is no way to live!
Trying to function from a state of hyper-vigilance is…well, if you’ve done it, then you know; and there’s a whole lot of ways to describe and express it that don’t require me to explain. Simple to say, it’s not sustainable.
Safety planning 101
Sitting down to draft a family safety plan was key. It was a statement of reclaiming our home as a sacred space, our sanctuary. We all have a right to be psychologically, emotionally and physically safe.
As we live out the reality of this plan we face the uncomfortable truth that things can change at any time.
As a counsellor I work with people often trying to unlock past hurts and unhelpful coping strategies. Oh the irony! To be locking external doors and knives in toolboxes is at odds with my core values.
As a supervisor I support others in valuable perspective, develop insight and to examine, explore & unpack professional dynamics to ensure they are functioning well as practitioners.
SELF CARE IS AN ACT OF SELF-COMPASSION
And that is why I had no choice but to say no, to withdraw and to act selfishly. I needed to. I own my limitations. I’m ok with that. Taking care of me is the best way to be able, available, and remain capable to be there for my family, my clients and most importantly, myself.
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